My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
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