Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
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