Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
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Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
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Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
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