Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
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he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
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Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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