Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
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