it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
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This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
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Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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