Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
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I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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