I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
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Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
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Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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