hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize