WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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