dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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