I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
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You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
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I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
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