I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
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A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
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I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
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