Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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