When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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