I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
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Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
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