Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
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