dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
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they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
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I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
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