I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
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His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
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Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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