Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Can I color on your dick again?
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Just pee around me
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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