I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
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captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
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And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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