onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
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i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
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I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
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