Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
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