I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
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From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
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I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
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