i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
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He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
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