Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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