There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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