dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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