I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
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How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
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My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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