Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize