I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
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And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
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I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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