??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
