I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
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If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
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OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
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