I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
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I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
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Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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