break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
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That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
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There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
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