My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
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and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
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He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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