your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize