uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
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