are we going to glenview for practice??
(3 hrs later) aids
where r u? what is story? im way too high right now
Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
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