I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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