I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize