If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
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MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
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If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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