Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
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