dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
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