You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
