i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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