Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
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BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
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It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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