your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
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Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
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Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
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