I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
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the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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