it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
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I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
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I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
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